50 Shades of BSDM

The movie "50 shades of Grey" hit theater yesterday. Due to the nature of the film, it's banned in my country, so obviously, I haven't seen the movie yet. However, I have read the books, or at least, I tried to read the books. I could only go about halfway through the first book. That's how much I despised it. I am curious about the movie, though. If the books were so awful, the movie surely can't get any worse, right?

Image via eonline.com

Anyway, the 50 Shades series have stirred up a lot of myths about the BDSM lifestyle itself. I just checked Wikipedia, and it seems like the term BDSM dated back to 1969. Coincidence? BDSM is a combination of the term B&D (Bondage & Discipline) and S&M (Sadism & Masochism). A B&D is a type of fetish role play where one person is being the "submissive" or "bottom", while the other person is being the "dominant" or "top". The act involves using various types of bondage devices such as handcuffs and blindfolds, torturing or punishing devices such as whips or sex toys. 

To a lot of people, one of the alluring factors of a B&D lifestyle is the ability to be in charge and doing whatever they want including punishing, inflicting pain, or humiliation; whereas the receiver can be the submissive party and be controlled. I must admit, as an independent, "I don't need your help" kind of woman, it does sound fun to be able to lose control and let someone else take charge.

On the other hand, S&M is when one person is turned on by the idea of inflicting pain and the other person is turned on by the idea of receiving pain. It's pretty simple, really. A few examples on the top of my head right now include one person ordering the other party to lick their shoes, rape fantasy, pouring burning candle wax on one's body, sex toys such as anal beads or nipple clamps, or the classic blindfold and tied up to the bed posts.

There is a dark side to BDSM, though. A lot of people are talking about how 50 Shades series are blurring the line between BDSM and abuse. Because I haven't read the whole series or watched the
movie, personally, I can't agree nor disagree with that statement. Although with the first half of the book that I read, I already had a bad feeling about it. Christian was just so aggressive, and he didn't leave Anna (if that's even her name) any say in the matter. For God's sake, the guy tossed her a contract to sign!

I want to redraw the line and make the distinction clear here. BDSM and abuse are two very different things. BDSM is consensual, meaning both parties agree to do it; abuse is when one person has no choice or say in the matter. That person has no "out", or so to speak. When one person doesn't want to do something, feels fear or threatened, and has no ability to tell the other person to stop, it's abuse. 

Image via dominantsoul.wordpress.com

When engaging in BDSM, having a "safe word" is extremely crucial. I can't stress this enough. Before deciding to do it, you MUST have a discussion on how far you're willing to go and which word to say when you think the other person is going too far. For instance, if you don't like what your lover is doing or if you're turning blue when your lover is "choking" you, that's when the safe word comes in handy. When you say that word, your lover must immediately stop. A safe word shouldn't be the word "no" because for obvious reasons, you would probably say "no" a lot of times if you're playing the submissive or masochistic part. Think of a word like "blueberry", "pumpkin", or something that you wouldn't normally say during sex.

You must also keep in mind that it can be very dangerous to engage in BDSM with someone you don't trust or know very well. If you are bound to the bed or whipped by someone you just met at the bar, it wouldn't be a surprise if they end up robbing you, raping, or kill you...or maybe all three. Bear in mind that cases like this have happened before, so you be cautious.

More and more people are engaging in BDSM, especially because more people are becoming aware of it, and the social stigma involving that lifestyle is dissolving. That's not to say that everyone is brushing of BDSM as "normal". Chances are, if you tell people that you're engaging in BDSM, you're most likely to raise an eyebrow or two. At the end of the day, though, BDSM is just like any other fetishes. There shouldn't be stigmas attached to it just because it's not part of the "social norms." If two people want to spice up their love life, just let them. Remember, though, it would no longer be fun if you end up with more than you bargain for, or if you're dead. Have fun, though! ;)

Love, Catherine

XOXO

Sources
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/bdsm/
http://bdsm-101.com/
http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/page2.html
http://www.yourtango.com/200636/sm-for-beginners
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g2576/s-and-m/
http://www.allaboutyou.com/health/sex-life/female-fantasies-beginners-guide-sadism-masochism
http://www.pervertslibrary.com/perversion_news/perversion-in-the-news-save-the-key/
https://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsafety.html
http://thecelebritycafe.com/feature/2012/11/ultimate-thrill-ride-ten-tips-bdsm-safety
http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/7-tips-for-safe-and-happy-bdsm-sex#.emGM2v3AJN
http://www.lelo.com/theblog/5-surprising-bondage-tips-facts-curious-beginners/
http://www.evilmonk.org/a/meijer.cfm
http://www.cracked.com/funny-4117-bdsm/
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/08/5-interesting-wacky-facts-about-bdsm/
http://www.upworthy.com/6-real-quotes-from-fifty-shades-that-could-make-you-rethink-how-you-feel-about-it?c=ufb1