Growing Up

I'd been dreading this day for weeks. I opened my eyes this morning and realized that it was finally September 30th -- my birthday. I am finally 19. A lot of people wouldn't get freaked out about their birthday until they're in their thirties. Lame as it may sound, last night was spent being confused about how I should feel about my birthday. I would feel panic as to where my life was going. 

Me as a baby and growing up; with my parents

As I rolled over in my bed, I turned on my laptop to check my Facebook. I'm sure most of us will admit that our generation checks out Facebook news feed as though it's the morning paper. My birth date isn't public there, so there were any streams of constant "Happy birthday"s on my wall. I have, however, received some texts and private messages from some of the people who mean the world to me. My day has instantly been brightened up. Suddenly, growing older doesn't seem like such a bad thing after all.

Looking back to last year, I didn't even think I was going to be 18. I was in such a dark time, so close to taking my own life; turning 18 looked as though it was another world in another place
in time. I did not want to take another day, let alone another year. And yet, here I am today, still standing.

Being 18 was such a bittersweet experience for me. Those 365 days were some of the best days of my life. I've learned far more things than I ever thought I would, met some of the most wonderful people, and done some incredible things. I guess you can definitely say that I've lived and I've loved.

Life is hard. I've figured that out from a very young age. Even after all the things that I've been through, there are still times when life has knocked me down so hard that I thought I wouldn't be able to get back up. Fortunately (and I thank my lucky stars for this every night), I have been blessed to have gotten to know some of the craziest, most delightful people, who always seem to keep my feet on the ground. On top of that, my mom is my own personal heroin. She has so much unconditional love for me, even during times when I don't deserve her love at all.

Just trying to be a crazy 18-year-old

Yes, life is hard, but when you have people to bare the burden with, life becomes more tolerable. Whenever you feel like you're all alone and nobody cares, know that it's not true. There's always someone who cares; someone who'll cry for you. I know a lot of people are going to say that I'm naive, but I genuinely believe in the goodness of people. None of us was born an evil person. Don't shut off the whole world just because you've been burned. Matthew Hussey said that life is about "wait" or "create" -- either you wait for your days to be beautiful or you get off your butt and make your days beautiful.

Oh, don't get me started on love. Just this year alone, I've had more than my fair share of tearful and lonely nights. At this point, I'd like to think that heartbreak is a good friend of mine. Of course, being a teenager, heartbreak and disappointment are parts of growing up. By some miracle, I still have faith in love. I might just end up marrying myself twenty years from now, but in this moment, I still believe in fairytales happily-ever-after. Not the Cinderella version, but my own version. I don't think I can pull of glass slippers.

But we all know, sometimes things just don't work out. Its okay to feel angry, but don't let the resentment build up. As I mentioned earlier, everybody's good in their own way. Just because you're not compatible with someone doesn't make them a bad person. A good rule of thumbs would be to never ever compare yourself with someone else. Trust me on this, the green-eyed monster isn't a good look for you. 

One of the major things that I've learned is goodbyes. I wasn't good with goodbyes, nor am I good with them now. What I didn't know was how hard it is to say goodbye. The first time I made that realization was when I couldn't stop sobbing for hours on end when someone who was very dear to me had to leave. It wasn't even like he was dying. He was just leaving to go back to his country. I started crying from nine o'clock that night to noon the next day. I looked like a mess; not even a hot mess, but a scary grab-yo-kids-grab-yo-wives mess. 

Up to this day, I'd still rather crash my bike than have to say goodbye to someone I care deeply about. No, wait, scratch that, I don't like physical pain either. Let's just say I'd rather not do both. But the point is, whenever I have to say goodbye to someone, the voice inside my head says to me: "Don't be sad that it's over, just be glad that it happened." It's the lamest cliche in the history of cliches, but once you love and/or care about someone, they'll stay in your heart.

Today: with my mom, and my beloved co-workers

Forgiveness is a virtue that one should acquire. It's very easy to feel bitter and hold grudges, but what's the point of that? Life is too short to waste any precious moment hating or feeling resentment towards someone. Sometimes they didn't really mean to do you wrong. Other times, you need to set yourself free to be happy without someone in the corner of your mind, waiting to creep up and crowd your days. When you forgive someone, you feel as though a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Don't let someone be in the control seat in your life. The best revenge there is is to let go and be happy.

Alright, I hope this isn't too long. I've included some of my baby pictures all through the years. Well, I'm officially nineteen years old now. I don't know what that means yet, but if it's anything like today, I can tell that it's going to be a great year. Thanks for all the presents and birthday wishes. You guys have defined what "growing older" means to me: live to love and be loved another day. Don't judge my definition; I am not a dictionary-words creator...or definer. I hope that's a word. Anyway, for my lovely Cambodians, have a nice holiday. Be safe, everyone. Take care!

Love, Catherine

XOXO