The Ugly Truth of Life

Lately, I’ve been living in a situation where you feel like the whole world is just against you; everything that can go wrong keeps blowing up in your face. You’re stressed out at work, your friends are in trouble, bills are stacking up, your personal life keeps getting into trouble and you don’t have anyone to turn to. No matter how strong a person can be, when you feel as if life is punching you in the face every time you get back up, you eventually start to question the reason why you should even be getting back up again.

I know people say: “Life is worth it in the end”, “Everything’s going to be alright.” But here’s the ugly truth about life: We all don’t know what’s going to happen. We don’t know whether it’ll be worth it in the end nor do we know whether we’ll end up dying alone or not. We all have questioned our existence at one time or another, and some of us do it more often than others.

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I woke up today with a devastating news on top of the already existing problems that I was already trying to deal with. I started to cry my hearts out and feel this overwhelming pressure in my chest. The feeling is only too familiar; the last time I was feeling like this was over 4 months ago when I was in depression and self-harmed. I felt like screaming: “What have I done to deserve this?” I was all alone and scared out of my mind. Old habits took over and I started to think of a way to get out of this mess quickly and end all of this. I thought of taking some cold medication and go back to sleep, go look for a blade and reunite with my old friend, or just end my life right there.

The problem is, I’m not the same Catherine I used to be over four months ago. Instead of giving up, I wanted to fight back. I forced myself to realize that: yes, life might not be worth it in the end. Yes, I might just die alone with no one there for me. And yes, it might be better to just stop the pain. However, if I end my life in this moment, then I am definitely making sure that I die alone and stop myself from ever finding out whether this thing called “life” is really worth living before mine hasn’t even begun. If I am so scared of all of this, then why am I making the choice to make those things a reality? It’s as if you kill yourself just because you’re scared that other people will kill you. The logic was lost on me.

When life punches you back down every time you try to get back up, fight back. You might win and you might lose, but you’ll never know unless you fight back. Life is like a book with different characters and chapters coloring the pages. Each choice you make determines your next chapter, your next page. Would you read a book that has “The End” when the entire story hasn’t even unfolded? For me, I want my protagonist to keep on fighting even if she dies trying in the end.

I looked around my house and thought if I don’t want to live for myself, I can live for others. I thought of my mother and how she needs me. I thought of my cat, Abby, and how she needs me, too. She was abandoned in a pagoda and she was rescued. I know that if I die, no one can take care of her and give her the kind of love that I can give her. My plants need me to water them. If I don’t want to live for myself, I can use my strength and energy to help those who need me. I can use my strength and energy to make a difference in this world.

We all get hurt, we all feel overwhelmed, we all fall down; we are all humans. Love can tear you apart; life can break you into pieces. But you’ll never know until you try. So if you’re feeling down on your luck and you want to give up, do this girl a favor: take a deep breath. Fill your lungs with air and breathe your pain out. Look around your house and you’ll see that you are needed. Your family, your pet, and your plants need you. Do whatever it takes to get some release; bawl your eyes out or scream on the top of your lungs. Clench your fists and fight back harder this time. Life can either be ugly or beautiful depending on which color you choose to paint it. Wherever in the world you are, you’re not alone. We’re fighting this battle together. I love you for fighting with me, and please, don’t ever give up on me because we’re in this together.

Love, Catherine

XOXO