No, I Don't Know Where I Will Be In Five Years
"What's your career plan?"
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Maybe it's because I recently turned 25, or maybe people think I'm this extremely organized and orderly person who has it all planned out; but lately, I have been on the receiving end of these questions a lot. Every time it's uttered out, a flutter of panic rises like a lump in my throat, and I have to swallow a few times to respond.
It's always the generic response that I have rehearsed so many times, they have lost all depths and flavors. Banal, I would call them. "I want to keep on vlogging," I would say. "In the long run, I want to have a foundation to help women and the marginalized." I would alternate between these two, sometimes tagging them one after the other. In all seriousness, I do want to do both. I love vlogging and I would like to bring my movement offline to help more women and everyone else.
But they're just vague clouds that float by, within sight, but they don't tug on my heart's string. Too ambiguous. I see them and sometimes I trace the shapes of them as I lie there awake at night, staring at the metaphorical sky, which is usually just my ceiling.
For many people, especially ones my age, the default response would be having a family and a good career. Me, on the other hand, I don't long to wear a white dress, nor do I want to have any tiny human being running around my house. I'm not a maternal person and I don't ever see myself being one, so that option is out of the window. A "good" career can mean anything under the sun. A 9 to 5 job can be considered to be a "good" career. For me, that sounds like a very dull way to past the time until I cross the rainbow bridge.
Now where does that leave me?
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Asides from being a feminist, I love weaving words and spinning them into intricate webs to enthrall those who are willing to read my work. There's a sense of magic in creating vivid images in people's minds out of nothing but words as the story rolls inside people's minds like a reel of film going round and round. It's the closest thing to magic to me, and I want to share that with the world.
Alas, none of this is a sure thing. I don't have a 5-year career plan that I have mapped out. I recently went to a mentorship program as a mentor, and I listened to another mentor talking about how she planned her future with her partner, listing down the things she wanted to do -- step-by-step like a ladder just waiting to be climbed. Me? I'm scrambling around looking for anything to put my feet on. I'd settle for vines that wrap around a tree to climb onto at this point.
If you, my dear reader, have a long way to go until you reach my age, I have some bad news for you. Chances are, even in your mid-20's, you might not have it figured out yet. You might still be stumbling around, searching for which tree you want to plant your butt and rest under its shade. You might not even know how to get to the trees. And you know what, that's completely okay.
We're always in a rush to figure things out; to plan our lives ahead as if life is a journey that can be written down in permanent ink, each twist and turn easily predicted. How insipid would that be? No, life is a book, to be written one page at a time. You can't skip 50 pages ahead and ignore the in-betweens. Sure, you can outline each step, but once your pen touches that creamy paper, the characters will come alive on their own. And sometimes, they will surprise you.
I'm learning to be at peace with my uncertain future.
Where will I be in the next five years?
Wherever it's going to be, I hope they have good tea, a pile of books, and animals running freely.
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