Virginity

“I heard she lost her virginity,” whispered the twelve-year-old me to half a dozen of my friends listening. We were in the sixth grade. Rumors were sparkling like fire about how one of our classmates had had sex with her boyfriend. It’s scary to think how a 12-year-old girl could be so influenced by social norms. It’s even scarier to think that it’s generally perceived that once a woman loses her virginity, she automatically is considered as a “bad” person. Seven years later, I’m lying on my bed, writing this article, wishing someone could have told the 12-year-old me what I’m about to tell you right now. It would’ve saved the poor girl that I trashed talk a lot of shame and hurt.

In preparation for this topic, I have skimmed through Hanne Blank’s “Virgin: An Untouched History”. I must clarify that most of the information that I’m about to share with you is taken from that book unless stated otherwise.

Let’s start off by talking about the definition of “virginity”. Google defines “virginity” as the state of never having had sexual intercourse. That just opened up more questions than it did answers. You’d be surprised if I tell you that there’s no official and exact definition of the word “virginity”. Apparently, every individual has their own definition of “sexual intercourse”. Some people may define it as the insertion of a penis into a vagina; some may define it as having your hymen broken in a sexual manner whether it’s oral sex, masturbation, or finger; whereas some others may define it as simply having your hymen broken even if it’s through your menstruation.

As that we’re discussing virginity, we have to talk about what the hymen is. According to youngwomenshealth.org, the hymen is defined as “a thin membrane that surrounds the opening to the

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vagina”. Contrary to popular belief, the hymen doesn’t cover the entire opening to the vagina; it is actually shaped like a half moon in order for blood to flow during menstruation. Because hymens are elastic, they can’t “break”. However, during intense physical exercise, tampon usage, or sexual activities, the hymen can be torn and that may lead to bleeding. Bear in mind that not every woman bleeds during her first sexual encounter, be it masturbation or vaginal sex. I neither bled when I first masturbated nor when I first had sex.

Now that we’re getting all the science stuff out of the way, let’s talk about the social stigmas attached to “virginity”. Did you notice how the “virginity” is somehow only related to women? Males’ virginity is almost non-existent. When someone talks about the virginity, most of the time, they’re referring to a woman’s virginity. If a woman’s virginity is defined by her hymen being intact, then what about men?

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To answer that question, we have to take a very long look back at our history of patriarchy society. In Blank’s book, it is believed that the concept of virginity is dated back when the concept of patriarchy and property ownership were created – around 8,500 to 2,600 B.C.E., known as the Neolithic era. What happened back then was that humans were starting to place ownership on items and eventually, other humans – “my woman”, “my baby”, “my house”… In terms of reproduction, humans are what scientists call “K-strategists”; we have few offspring over the course of our lives, so we generate a lot of time, resources, and energy into making sure that those offspring make it into adulthood in order to continue contributing our genes into the gene pool. Long story short, virginity was a way for men to ensure that the offspring that a woman bore was his – by restricting her number of sexual partners. Thus, began the idea of “marriage” and monogamy. In return, women would be tied to a male partner that would take care of her and her offspring. That sounded like a pretty good deal…10,000 years ago.

          
In this time and age of DNA testing and high technology, virginity doesn’t really serve us any other benefits rather than being a “seal” to show the groom that the bride has never been “used”. Women around the world are getting equal rights to men, but where is the equality when it comes to virginity? How come men are patted on the back and praised when they have “scored” with a woman, while a woman has to be shamed or punished for doing the same deed? In many cases (even in Cambodia), a woman’s value is defined as nothing more than her virginity. Once a woman’s virginity is lost, so is her value.

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At the end of the day, women have to understand that our value is for us to decide. We can’t just think of ourselves as a piece of walking hymen. That train of thought is what causes a lot of women to feel guilt and shame during sexual intercourse. I can't express how infuriating I am when people judge women as "damaged goods" once they are no longer a virgin. We're not a piece of white cloth. I am even more furious when women are the ones judging other women. Isn't it funny how men generally aren't valued based on their virginity? Talk about double standard. Some people even go as far as defending that by saying, "Boys will be boys; they have needs." Excuse me? Women have needs, too! I'm telling you, society is messed up.

That's not all. When women are reduced to nothing more than objects to fulfill men's desire, that's where violence against women and sexual assault come in. Isn't it time we stop this? Let's put an end to objectifying women. Enough is enough. Women should never be judged based on what they wear, and certainly not on whether or not their hymen is intact. Bare in mind, however, that men can be on the receiving end of this inequality, too. It just so happens that it happens a heck lot more to us. Have we forgotten the saying, "Treat others the way you want to be treated"?