Yin Yang

It wasn’t until the early 1950s that bipolar disorder was fully recognized as a mental disorder of its own. Prior to that, bipolar disorder had always been confused with mental disorders like schizophrenia or psychosis. In bphope.com, it is stated that "German psychiatrist Karl Leonhard and colleagues initiated the classification system that led to the term “bipolar,” differentiating between unipolar and bipolar depression."

For me, I’ve always been interested in psychology and all the mental disorders. I’ve heard of bipolar disorder a few years back, but never would I imagine that I would develop such a close bond to it. I had a period of severe depression that had led to self-harming, and a near-suicide experience. It wasn’t until several months back when I started to experience dramatic mood swings that went from being overly high down to a depressive state. That was when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

What Is Bipolar Disorder?

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According to medicalnewstoday.com, bipolar disorder is a mental disorder characterized by extreme shifts in mood, as well as fluctuations in energy and activity levels. The term “bipolar” itself is pretty self-explanatory – the fluctuations can go from mania to depression. An article in the Archives of General Psychiatry states that 4.4% of the US citizens have had a bipolar diagnosis at some time in
their lives. The world average is 2.4%.  

As humans, we all have our periods of ups and downs. That’s the part of life. However, with bipolar disorder, the mania and depression are so extreme that a person diagnosed with bipolar can seem like a completely different person. Mania is the period of euphoria, restlessness, energy, recklessness, and much talking. Depression is exactly the polar opposite of mania. It includes a lot of crying, sense of worthlessness, low levels of energy, loss of pressure, and sleep problems. 

What Are the Causes?

Although there's no exact cause, there are several contributing factors that might result in a person having bipolar disorder:

• Genetics: Some studies have shown that bipolar disorder tends to run in family. Some studies have shown that people with certain genes are more likely to develop bipolar disorder than others. If one parent has bipolar disorder, there's a 10% chance that their offspring will develop bipolar disorder as well. If both parents have bipolar disorder, the odds rise to 40%. However, genes are not the only factor that comes to play in bipolar disorder. Some research suggested that identical twin of a person with bipolar disorder does not always develop bipolar.
• Brain chemicals: A recent theory indicates that abnormal serotonin chemistry might be related to bipolar disorder. With that being said, it's is unlikely that serotonin is the only neurotransmitter involved.
• Environmental: Stress by itself wouldn't be able to cause a person to develop bipolar disorder, but it is linked to the disorder because stress can cause the mood swings to become even more severe. Another factor is seasonal factors; with an increase chance of onset in spring. It is believed that the rapid increase in hours of bright sunshine is thought to trigger depression and mania by affecting the pineal gland. 

Bare in mind that those are only some of the major factors thought to linked to bipolar disorder. There are still many more factors that might influence the severity of the disorder, such as pregnancy, medication...

What Are the Symptoms?

Like every other illness, the symptoms vary from one person to another. The Ohio State University has created a list of symptoms that a person will experience while having bipolar disorder.

Depressive symptoms may include:

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• persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood
• loss of interest in activities once previously enjoyed
• excessive crying
• increased restlessness and irritability
• decreased ability to concentrate and make decisions
• decreased energy
• thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
• increased feelings of guilt, helplessness, and/or hopelessness
• weight and/or appetite changes due to over- or under-eating
• changes in sleep patterns
• social withdrawal
• physical symptoms unrealized by standard treatment (i.e., chronic pain, headaches)

Manic symptoms may include:

• overly inflated self-esteem
• decreased need for rest and sleep
• increased distractibility and irritability
• increased physical agitation
• excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that may result in painful consequence; this may include provocative, aggressive, or destructive behavior
• increased talkativeness
• excessive "high" or euphoric feelings
• increased sex drive
• increased energy level
• uncharacteristically poor judgment
• increased denial

What It's Like to Have Bipolar Disorder

Now that we understand the basics of what bipolar disorder is, let's indulge into the core of it. Living with bipolar disorder is incredibly challenges. As if dealing with the extreme mood swings isn't hard enough, I have to deal with the stigmas that come along with it as well. Only a very few number of people know that I have bipolar disorder, though that's going to change now after this post. To fully give you an idea of what I have to go through emotionally, I have to talk about the manic and depression separately, because during either episode, I become a completely different person.

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As I am writing this right now, I am in one of my depressive states. In a way, it's similar to having clinical depression. I feel physically and emotionally exhausted. The world looks as if it has been stripped of its colors. Every single doubt, every single insecurity creep back into my mind. In this stage, I become my worst enemy. I become hopeless about my future. Everything feels as though I am surrounded by dark fog so thick that I can't seem to see past. All I want to do is lie down and listen to music. It's hard even to get up and do anything. I feel angry and irritated at every little thing, and I lush out at everyone close to me.

One of my worst episodes happened over a month ago; I ended up being so angry that I screamed at my mom. I had to rush into the car, because I could tell that it was going to get a lot worse. I started sobbing so uncontrollably that I had to pull over. My vision become blurred with tears. My whole body trembled like a baby bird left out in the snow. The panic attack then set in, and I began to hyperventilate. My chest tightened, and I couldn't breathe. This is usually the part where I curl into a ball and cry.

The worst part about the lows is the increased risk of self-harm, and suicide. Sometimes I find it so hard to hang on that I simply wish I would die. I become scared of going outside for the fear of having a breakdown in public. There are times when the depression is directly triggered by people on the street. A man being disrespectful to me on the street when I'm in my vulnerable state can set off a downward spiral. It is incredibly unfair to not be able to walk down the street, wearing whatever you feel like without being looked at as though you're a piece of meat.

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I also push people away when I'm down. I fully understand that I have absolutely no control over my emotions, so anything can happen. I'm learning to deal with this as I go along, but for someone who doesn't have bipolar disorder, it's incredibly difficult for them to understand why I am the way I am. I feel like it's unfair for me to drag anyone into my mess with me. They deserve better than having to deal with someone like me.

On the other hand, when I'm manic, I become everybody's best friend. I become the party animal -- the life of every party. Me skipping into the sunset, singing show tunes is that far off the mark when the mania sets in. I feel a sense of "high". The world becomes a beautiful, colorful place. I can smell all the roses, see every color in the rainbow. I feel invincible -- on top of the world. It's the absolute most euphoric feeling anyone can ever experience. I have so much energy that I could be going on and on for ages without rest. I always joke that whenever I'm "high", I am like a bunny on a sugar rush.

Treatment

 

There are some treatments available for bipolar disorder. Some of those treatments include: medications, psychotherapy, transcranial magnetic stimulation, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), and hospitalization. Some of the medications are lithium, anticonvulsants, antipsychotics, antidepressants, symbyax, and benzodiazepines.

 

However, if you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and you want to go on medication, be sure to talk about it with your therapist. Some of those medications can have serious side effects. Personally, for me, I chase the "highs" and "lows" of it, because only until then that I can be pull out my most creative side of me: my alter egos. I wrote this poem last night.

 

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"One step forward, two steps back,

Edging ever close to the Land of the Dead,

Where colors are stripped like children's laughter,
Nightmares that last forever after.

Her body trembles with each step she makes,
Each breath she breathes, her bloody heart aches,
Dark clouds descend, turning day into night,
Tears glisten like diamonds shining out bright.

A broken angel rips off her wings,
Goodbye lullaby, softly they sing,
Weeping angels weep for the innocence lost,
Shivers down her spine as snow turns into frost.

The aging forest mumbles words of fleas,
Wonders how beautifully tragic is she,
Cinderella has to fight to live her own life,
An inner battle, conflicted with moments of highs.

The ruby bracelet snakes around her wrist,
A way to escape, that's her only wish,
Maybe it's time to let the angel go, let her fly away,
Too scared to live, too terrified to die."

I decided to write about this solely because I want to raise awareness on the disorder, and to eliminate the stigmas that come with it. None of us chose to have this disorder. We are fighting hard every single day to deal with it. To be honest, I don't know if or when I finally snap and say I've had enough, but for now, all I know is that I'll keep fighting for as long as I can. Having bipolar disorder is a reason, not an excuse. I simply choose to not let it hinder my life. Of course, there are times where I will want to give up, but there's always this small part of me that keeps telling me to hang on. If you suspect that you might have bipolar disorder, talk to a professional about it and get an official diagnosis. And if you have bipolar disorder, know that you're not alone. We're all here together, fighting one day at a time. 

Love, Catherine

XOXO

Sources:
http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/162/through-the-ages-its-been-there
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/37010.php
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml 
http://medicalcenter.osu.edu/patientcare/healthcare_services/mental_health/mental_health_about/mood/bipolar_disorder/Pages/index.aspx
http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/bipolardisorder/causes.cfm