Affair of the Heart
I've been meaning to talk about this subject for a quite a while now. For those of us who have been in a relationship, we understand that in life, very few things hurt as much as know that someone you love is cheating on you. However, when we're talking about infidelity, who's really to blame? Is it always the cheater's fault? How many types of adultery are there? Can you even trust a cheater again? What about the old saying: "Once a cheater, always a cheater"? And what responsibility does the "other woman" have in the affair?
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| Image via kellybonewell.com |
You know that I love statistics. It wouldn't be a blog post for me without some crazy statistics or facts. I was doing some research on adultery, and I found out that according to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 57% of men admitted to committing adultery in any relationship that they've had; compared to 54% of women. The average length of affair is 2 years, and 31% of marriages actually last after an affair has been committed. Surprisingly, 74% of men and 68% of women said that they would cheat if they know they would never get caught. That's quite a high percentage. Based on those numbers, we can see that the stereotype about men usually being the cheaters and women being the victims, is poorly constructed. Obviously, men and women cheat almost in the same frequency.
Before we head into the "why"s, let's look at the different types of cheating. There are three types of adultery; sexual, emotional, and romantic affair.
Sexual Affair:
A sexual affair is when you cheat on your significant other, solely for the sexual pleasure. I like to call it the "Honey, it was an accident" infidelity. It might be on a business trip, spring break, or just a drunken night. You feel no emotional attachment to the person that you're cheating with. In most cases, the cheaters do love their significant other. This type of cheating occurs more with men than with women; the reason being women tend to have an emotional bond with someone after sex than men do. In my post about the "Allure of Oxytocin", I explained more in depth about the chemistry of that.
Emotional Affair:
This one is a bit more complicated because it's a lot less obvious. Emotional cheating is when you're confiding, spending a lot of time, and feel stronger emotional bond with someone else other than your significant other. I am not saying that you shouldn't have any close friends outside of your relationship, but when you're confiding in them something that you would never confide in your partner, that's a warning sign already in itself. An example would be going out to lunches and sharing little secrets with your co-worker, emotional bonding and "harmless" flirting.
Another example is online cheating. Fellas (and ladies), if you're spending more time chatting with someone online than with your partner, and you share intimate details with them, it's cheating. It doesn't matter whether you've met them or they're living on the other end of the planet. It's still emotional cheating. If you wouldn't do it in front of your partner or you wouldn't want them to know, then it's cheating. That's my good rule of thumbs.
Romantic Affair:
Personally, I believe that this is the worse type of affair, for the chances of reviving from this is slim to none. A romantic affair is when an emotional affair meets a sexual affair; meaning not only are you having sex without someone else, but you're also developing feelings for them and enjoying their company. In some cases, that can lead to you wanting to leave your partner/family.
Some of my friends keep telling me stories of how someone they know is cheating, and they would ask me why so many men are cheating on their partner. A few moments after asking me that question, they would go text or flirt with someone else other than their partner. That's irony right there. What they don't realize is that cheating doesn't only mean having sex with someone else. It's everything in between. It's amazing how people can justify their own behavior while judging others for doing the very same thing that they're doing.
I grew up in a family filled with adultery, so I had to face that issue from a very young age. Throughout the eighteen years of my life, I have seen infidelity from every side. I have sort of cheated, been cheated on, and cheated with. It's very easy for someone outside the equation to judge, but once you're in the scenario, things aren't as clear as you thought it would be. Here's my perspective on things:
Cheater:
The cheater always gets the most blame out of all. There are many reasons that someone would cheater; ranging from boredom, lack of sex, lust, the urge to try something new... Only that person knows for sure why they decided to cheat. Regardless of the reason, the cheater isn't the sole person to be blamed. Bare this in mind: if a person is happy and in love, they wouldn't go seek someone else. Therefore, if you're cheating on your significant other, maybe you're not as much in love with her as you should be.
Of course, I do believe that you can love two people at the same time. With that being said, I don't believe that you can love two people equally at the same time. Either you're not sure about the first person (which is why you want to go out and experiment with someone else), or you just believe that they're not enough. As much as you'd like to believe that you really love your partner, you have to consider the fact that if you were fully satisfied with your partner, why would you go out there and do something that might sabotage that?
Cheatee:
When you find out that you've been cheated on, it's very natural to feel resentment, rage, and uncertainty. Your self-esteem has taken a hit. You start to question your own value. You don't know who to believe anymore. Some might even say that it's the worst feeling ever. Whatever you do, please don't play the victim. As much as you'd like to destroy your partner, know that it wouldn't help with anything. Accept the hurt, the pain, and try to move on.
When I was cheated on, it hit me like a wrecking ball. We were in a long distance relationship, so I did not see that coming at all. I remember crying, feeling disbelief and wondering what was wrong with me that made him want to be with someone else. In a way, being cheated on feels like being replaced.
That; however, can't be further from the truth. The cheater made the decision to cheat because they felt entitled to. One person's opinion or perspective of you does not reflect who you are as a whole. Just because he/she thinks that you're not enough for them doesn't mean that someone else will feel the same way. You should cry, yell, scream, but when always stand back up and remember that one person's views of you does not mean anything if you don't let it affect you. I can't say this enough: it doesn't mean that you're not beautiful enough or you're not good enough.
The Other Woman/Man:
For me, throughout my whole life, nothing has ever felt as horrible as being someone else's other woman. I was seventeen at the time, and I was going through one of the toughest times of my life. He had a girlfriend. We all knew each other. He was always there for me, helping me out in every way he could. What started out as a slight attraction for one another took a turn to something more serious.
Long story short, it lasted a few months. At first, it was exhilarating. I was very hopeful about the unseen future. Several weeks had passed, nothing seemed to change. He was still with her, and I was still his side-dish. Empty promises were spoken, my faith started to fade. We argued all the time. I felt incredibly guilty for everything that I was doing. Not a day went by when I felt so bad with myself. I knew I was at fault. When in that situation, we'd all like to believe that our case is different; that things would work out somehow, but nearly three months later, we decided to end things.
Emotions run really deep when you're playing the role of someone else's second best. To me, it was worst than being cheated on because I was the one who made the choice to devalue myself. When you no longer have the confidence and self-esteem to believe that you deserve the best for yourself, you settle for less. It was a sad, sad way to live: spending my days waiting for him to be with me. I finally found the courage to end the toxic downward spiral. With 20/20 hindsight, I still can't believe I became the person that I was during that period.
The Consequences:
With everything in life, it doesn't make anything better to point fingers and blame someone. The same goes with adultery. If an act of infidelity has been committed, we should all admit that each person in the situation distributes a little bit into that. We're all adults here, and we all should take responsibility for our own action. What needs to be decided after an affair has been found out is to make a choice on what to do next.
I love watching Dr. Phil and he likes saying: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Up to this day, I still can't decide how to feel about that. On one hand, everybody is different and people can always change. On the other hand, can a person change that much? Can a person go from being unfaithful to being faithful just because they've found someone else?
The best way to deal with this is individually; you should look back on your relationship, your partner and how much you trust them. If you think they can change, then by all means, go for it. I want to clarify that that also applies to relationship that started off on a lie. I would only want to say that you should let that person earn your trust back, should you decide to get back together with them. Don't act as if nothing has happened. Proceed with precaution and let time reveal to you whether you should trust them again.
I strongly believe that if you're not happy or unsure about your current relationship, please have the courtesy to end it before you start something else. Be a man/woman about this! Always remember that your definition of "cheating" and your partner's definition might defer, so make sure you know where the lines are.
Finally, for those of us who have been cheated on, please don't ever let it ruin your confidence. Relationship is full of risks. Sometimes you get hurt and sometimes you hurt those you love. Time really does heal all wounds. Be strong. There are many other fish in the oceans -- 7 billion, if you want to be play both sides. Every situation is different and every individual is different; hence, there are no concrete guidelines that will tell you what you should do. Alright, I hope you guys found this post useful. Leave a comment below if you have any experience related to adultery that you want to share. Love isn't logic, so sometimes you just have to go with your feelings. Take care, guys!
When I was cheated on, it hit me like a wrecking ball. We were in a long distance relationship, so I did not see that coming at all. I remember crying, feeling disbelief and wondering what was wrong with me that made him want to be with someone else. In a way, being cheated on feels like being replaced.
That; however, can't be further from the truth. The cheater made the decision to cheat because they felt entitled to. One person's opinion or perspective of you does not reflect who you are as a whole. Just because he/she thinks that you're not enough for them doesn't mean that someone else will feel the same way. You should cry, yell, scream, but when always stand back up and remember that one person's views of you does not mean anything if you don't let it affect you. I can't say this enough: it doesn't mean that you're not beautiful enough or you're not good enough.
The Other Woman/Man:
For me, throughout my whole life, nothing has ever felt as horrible as being someone else's other woman. I was seventeen at the time, and I was going through one of the toughest times of my life. He had a girlfriend. We all knew each other. He was always there for me, helping me out in every way he could. What started out as a slight attraction for one another took a turn to something more serious.
Long story short, it lasted a few months. At first, it was exhilarating. I was very hopeful about the unseen future. Several weeks had passed, nothing seemed to change. He was still with her, and I was still his side-dish. Empty promises were spoken, my faith started to fade. We argued all the time. I felt incredibly guilty for everything that I was doing. Not a day went by when I felt so bad with myself. I knew I was at fault. When in that situation, we'd all like to believe that our case is different; that things would work out somehow, but nearly three months later, we decided to end things.
Emotions run really deep when you're playing the role of someone else's second best. To me, it was worst than being cheated on because I was the one who made the choice to devalue myself. When you no longer have the confidence and self-esteem to believe that you deserve the best for yourself, you settle for less. It was a sad, sad way to live: spending my days waiting for him to be with me. I finally found the courage to end the toxic downward spiral. With 20/20 hindsight, I still can't believe I became the person that I was during that period.
The Consequences:
With everything in life, it doesn't make anything better to point fingers and blame someone. The same goes with adultery. If an act of infidelity has been committed, we should all admit that each person in the situation distributes a little bit into that. We're all adults here, and we all should take responsibility for our own action. What needs to be decided after an affair has been found out is to make a choice on what to do next.
I love watching Dr. Phil and he likes saying: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Up to this day, I still can't decide how to feel about that. On one hand, everybody is different and people can always change. On the other hand, can a person change that much? Can a person go from being unfaithful to being faithful just because they've found someone else?
 |
| Image via eduardogarolera.com |
I strongly believe that if you're not happy or unsure about your current relationship, please have the courtesy to end it before you start something else. Be a man/woman about this! Always remember that your definition of "cheating" and your partner's definition might defer, so make sure you know where the lines are.
Finally, for those of us who have been cheated on, please don't ever let it ruin your confidence. Relationship is full of risks. Sometimes you get hurt and sometimes you hurt those you love. Time really does heal all wounds. Be strong. There are many other fish in the oceans -- 7 billion, if you want to be play both sides. Every situation is different and every individual is different; hence, there are no concrete guidelines that will tell you what you should do. Alright, I hope you guys found this post useful. Leave a comment below if you have any experience related to adultery that you want to share. Love isn't logic, so sometimes you just have to go with your feelings. Take care, guys!
Love, Catherine
XOXO
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